Thank you all ( you know who) for your well wishes and emails  and comments. Past year has been real struggle when it comes to my relationship with my husband. We made some progress .. AND then  had some major setbacks, because I am just not willing to settle  .. FORGET PAST and move on..  You can never forget, you can move on, but not just MOVE ON.  It takes work, and work and more work.  And opening up about the things you never want to and tears and pain and mean words and more tears until everything is out here in front of us. I admit. I am really aggressive when it comes to talking. I NEED to talk, especially when I see the other person is "hiding" something, but he's words are like this... EVERYTHING IS OK.. REALLY?? It is not, I know, I see, I feel.  It is not ok. DOn't tell me you are a guy and you don't do the talking...  MAYBE when you are dating girl after girls you don't really need to do the talking, but when you choose somebody to be there for you  you have to, even if  you don't like  where talking can sometimes take you.

Nick once mentioned about some sort of quote  that he got on his cell about...".The best kind of friend is the one you could sit on a porch swing with, never say a word , and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had."

I agree. THis quote came after I told him I WANT him to be my best friend. I WANT him to be my best everything. BUT it can't happen before he decides he wants to be that honest BEST person to whom I sit next to and understand right away. It will happen one day,  but till then we have still lot of work to do.. Maybe it never happens, but all I can say is.. I TRIED... :)

Those of you don't know. We are going to Estonia this year to renew our vows.  We never had any sort of party for US in Estonia. It has been always for kids... or me alone. But this time around we needed party and since we get along ( most of the time) we decided it is time to do it.   We got married on december 28th, 1998 in Las Vegas, so this year we would be celebrating our 14th year wedding anniversary....we had hell of a  14 years...  Regina would have turn 13 on sept 19th, Gabriel will turn 11 on june 22.

 I remember while ago I told someone that if someone treats me the way i have been treated I would leave right away... But it is not that simple. Actually , Easy thing is to leave.. Just turn back and you are out.  Who knows what future brings. We are all grown ups, Gabriel knows what is going on.

I guess we are just living life the way we supposed to. Nobody know the ending  or our happily ever after :)

Everything hurts.

Life as it is  is not as sweet as it should be.  It is Mothers day. What is Mothers day anyway? Day when all mothers feel spoiled and spend a day with their families having fun?
When Regina was alive, she was awesome :) She came up with the MOST creative ways of making me moms day breakfast, or cards. She even helped Gabriel with it.. Now  ...  Gabriel does not have it... Nick does not believe in holidays , or days like this.  He only does it because "i believe" in them and I believe in some traditions, and now he has been throwing this to my face...

This years  Mothers day started out weird.. I woke Up 9... The moment Gabriel heard it he ran into room and handed me card and Coffee from starbucks. I was really happy  that he did it :) I gave him hug and  said thank you :)

I walked into living room and there was Nick sitting behind his computer. I asked if he wants to have breakfast , he said, Gabriel and Him already had it  and HE could not wait till I get up... I was still hoping at that point that It was a joke.  I walked into Kitchen and Sink was full of dishes... I just cleaned up  night before, because I did not want My morning to be "cleaning" morning... There were no flowers, No food, No nothing, and to be honest I was upset. I really was.....

 I asked Nick why he was not guiding Gabriel to do anything more special. HELP him, etc... He said.. .He is not my mother, so he really does not have to help anyone to do anything. At that point I just broke down  and started crying. We had awesome time night before with friends and I could not figure out what went wrong.. It is like He had completely different personality. I did tell him that I am disappointed  in him and he yelled back .. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME.????


 He went back to sleep and I took gabriel and we went to gym. Since I can't drive here yet, we had to take a bus. And it takes about 40 minutes to get there ( 10 km). When we got to gym  HE WAS THERE.. I could not believe my eyes.     I tried to work out, but in the middle of my run I started crying again and I just could not take it anymore.  I told him we are leaving to have lunch .. he said. Whatever.   He did not join us. I HOPED, I really did... When we got to place, it was closed... OUT OF ALL THE sundays , this sunday PLACE was closed....  :( I was unhappy, Gabriel was unhappy, but we chose something else near by and ate our food:) Chit chatting and talking about stuff like.. If dad was here, he would  be making comments like -- WHY do you guys eat this shit, it is bad for you etc... And we ate , and smiled, and ate some more:)... Nick promised, that he will pick us up about 2. 30, after his meeting with "someone" is up.. He  changed his mind....  He did not... We walked home... :):):): In a way it was nice walk home,  Gabriel and I had a nice talk about  WHAT he likes, NOt what ( nick wants him to be), and   I could not believe what he trusted me... ANyway..  Gabriel is one amazing soul  and I want him to grow up the BEST and most successful person ever :) He deserves it :)

Nick has been throwing me hints all day long that He does not need to help Gabriel... WTF?? HOW come??/ Gabriel wants to have flowers... Flowers are 3 km away.. he wanted to buy a gift for me--- NICK HAD MONTHS to do so... Instead Nick said.. WELL, SInce you wanted to go out with your friends last night , I could not take Gabriel out to buy you a gift.... ALl I hear are excuses.

 I need a friend in him as well, but He can't be one because husbands are not supposed to be friends, and friends are overrated anyway...


 I tried to start a conversation about Regina, but I was shot down.. because in his mind, we had different relationships with her and We could not understand each other...

I don't have anyone else to take about it because I feel like I am bugging everyone with my pity problems....  I chose this life, so I should be  owning it....

But sometimes It just gets to much and when it does...... Everything hurts.....

I don't hate Nick... Far from that. I  love him.  I just think that Becoming CEO has completely changed him. He pretends to be good to everybody else but when he is at home, he dumps all his issues on us and does not care how we feel at times.  I hope he gets better soon.

I just need some hugs...  Lot of them... and real ones without questions asked :)

Again... I chose this life...

:D:D:D:D:D

7 More minutes before 2012 kicks in...

DOn't waste your life pickering over  small thing, see the big picture :) You all deserve it ...

kisses and hugs... or... XOXOXOXOXO


HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

The Tans..

Merry Christmas/ Happy Holidays :)

Wishing you all the best holiday season ever :)  We are  not doing anything special. It is 24th of December here in CHina already,and at this moment Nick is at work :) Yup:) Saturday , and he is working hard.

Gabriel is lying on the floor, on a red lambskin and is playing his DS:)
You can guess twice what I am doing.. Haha. Right you got it. RIght now I am typing this blog  but same time I am  checking my meal.

We had talked that most likely we will eat dinner somewhere  in Restaurant, but  since Nick is working , I decided, what the heck. I am just  going to make something for us :) So Tonights dinner will be Roasted Pork hock,  pan roasted potatoes with lots of garlic, simple salad with  mandarine vinaigrette ,  Pan fried salmon with white wine reduction and sauerkraut.

I also scored glogg( mulled wine) from Ikea and after dinner we will be watching Home Alone2 and opening our gifts :) I know it will be great evening :)

 I dreamed of Regina couple of nights ago, she was just smiling at me and that was it :)
Merry Christmas Angel Regina :) We miss you . Rest in Peace :)

Happy Holidays:)

My Beautiful kids singing Karaoke few years ago:) Right now I look at this video and smile that I had these moments with them. I miss Regina and her spunky personality :) I know That she would be most amazing 12 year old most amazing purse collection and her own recipe book full of pictures of her favorite foods :)

Gabriel is amazing 10 year old. He is into so much right now. he enjoys tennis, plays piano and drums. He want's to learn guitar next, since ukulele is way to easy for him .

He is also getting into singing and when he plays familiar tune on piano , he sings out loud when he thinks no one is listening to him :)

I love my kids. :)

I hope you all are having great holiday season. I am not so much into Christmas this years. I haven't written a single card this year. I haven't really shopped gifts, since everything is overpriced here and it makes no sense to buy 70 dollar lego, that is 35 dollars in USA. Gabriel did write to santa and he said he wants to have WARM blanket and warm pillow, since it is very cold in hangzhou ( he is right). Our apartment does not have central heating, and it gets cold in here when tiny heating boxes are not turned on... Today I walked into master bedroom and temp in there was 9C. I usually turn heat of in the room I am not in, so ... yeah.. It is cold in here.

It is interesting to see how his wishes have changed. I am sure if we were in US , he would have asked for latest game, or gadget... :)

Talk to you soon :) ANd enjoy this video :)

Thanksgiving

Second Thanksgiving in asia is almost here. Last year we celebrated in Beijing with Nicks  friends, this year we are in Hangzhou and  I feel already guilty. Why you ask? BUT because  I can't invite all the people I want into our tiny apartment:( I made some great friends here and  I can only invite about half of them :(  I WANT TO CRY OUT LOUD:(    Since we don't have double owen I am struggling to make everything come out same time :(
I will be making turkey , gravy, stuffing, green beans,  MY potato salad, Mashed potatoes, sweet potato pie, apple pie, some other pastries.   And few not so traditional foods but "fan" favorites like kotlett, sour kraut ( because I am not sure where we are going to celebrate christmas), snitslid,  4 cheese surprise and other last minute stuff..
We also ordered turkey number 2 from Eudora station( local western restaurant), because I strongly feel  that one can never have to much turkey  :)

I also made some bread crumbs  today for shnichels, ( crusted fried pork), and  asked my ayi bring me some organic sweet potatoes from her family farm. .

I am excited about Thanksgiving, but like I said sad. I WANT everybody to come, but I can't fit  40 kids and 2 adults in this apartment :(  ..

 Everybody always asks what are we thankful for?  This year my answer is easy. I am thankful that we have each other and willing to work on our problems . I am thankful that Gabriel is happy and healthy 5th grader and shows interest in so many things.  I am thankful that he has passion and wants to be happy :) I am thankful , that we are are truly happy right now, and I have not been able to say this for a long time :)

I am wishing you all happiness during this Thanksgiving season..

Rest in Peace Princess Regina Melody Tan. I am thankful that I had wonderful 10  years with you , and you thought me so much about NOT GIVING UP!!! I know you are watching down on us and smiling:)


PS... xoxoxox all my friends near and far. I am thinking of you constantly . I just haven't figured out a great way to keep contact with yo all.
LOVE

xoxoxo

Stillness speaks.

@ Maya bar in hangzhou

After Watching Oprahs Lifeclass on line I  started to read book "Stillness Speaks". FOr a while I have been trying to find the right book to read that speaks to me and   I am on same page with it. I failed in the past miserably. I feel like Oprahs show started on Right time  because whatever she was speaking in her show made sense. EVERY Lifeclass I watched  thought me something new about myself because  I was exactly the person who needed to be in there , right then ,,and right now...
While reading this book, I found myself  sad that I have forgotten about the person I really am. I have become someone else who does not like me. I have built up walls so high that when thinking about breaking them down  will scare me a little.  What if I become vulnerable again? What if history repeats? What if ... BUT I have to be the bigger person and start taking little steps here and there and I am willing to learn and starting to let go...

... Following "lesson" is from Stillness speaks...

Do you experience frequent and repetitive drama in your close relationships? Do relatively insignificant disagreements often trigger violent arguments and emotional Pain?
At the root of such experiences lie the basic egoic patterns: The need to be right and , of course, for someone else to be wrong; that is to say , identifications with mental positions. There is also the ego's need to be periodically in conflict with something or someone in order to strengthen its  sense of separation between "me" and the "other" without which it cannot survive.
In addition there is the accumulated emotional pain from the past that you and each human being carries within, both from your personal past as well as the collective pain of humanity that goes back a long, long time. This "pain-pody" is and energy field within you that sporadically takes you over because it needs to experience more emotional pain for it to feed on and replenish itself. It will try to control your thinking and make it deeply negative . It loves your negative thoughts , since it resonates with their frequency and so can feed on them. It will also provoke negative emotional reactions in people close to you, especially your partner, in order to feed on the ensuing drama and emotional pain.

How can you free yourself from this deep- seated unconscious identification with  pain that creates so much misery in your life?

Become aware of it. Realize that it is to not who you are, and recognize it for what it is: Past pain. Witness it as it happens in your partner or in yourself. When your unconscious identification with it is broken, when you are able to observe it within yourself, you don't feed it anymore, and it will gradually lose its energy charge.

.....

 I am trying, really hard... And i hope that one day I will get there, better sooner than later :)