:)

I am so sorry for not updating. As much as I love updating every day, there are times I don't want to let you know how down I feel at times. I don't want you to feel down. I want you to be happy I want you to remember Regina at her best :) SMiling, full of cute attitude . I want you to remember her mysterious glow. YES... She was always glowing. :) I miss seeing that glowing Regina around me.
There are times when I drive and I have to turn radio OFF when some songs start playing . ANd I drive in complete silence for 15min to whatever.. And at that time I manage to not to think. I just drive... But there are times I click 6 on my cd player turn the voume UP as loud as I can and I just sing and sing and sing until I have no voice left... I just let it out. There are times I see people looking at me like. WTF IS WRONG WITH HER??? But who cares:) When I do LET IT OUT I feel good :) I feel powerful, I feel like I can move on I can do things and I can be free. I should not be feeling quilty, and sad all the time AND I don't anymore. I miss Regina, but I know she will never be back and I have accepted that . I think of her often. Now I CAN go to stores and walk by girls clothes departement without tearing up. :) I can talk about her without tearing up. I am so proud of myself that I was her mom :) She is one of the best things ever happened to us :)

And now Gabriel. He is cutest "man" ever. Every time I tear up ( not that often anymore), he would ask me -- Mommy, why are you crying. And he does bring me water also, because I think that is how he thinks he can help me :) AND I LOVE IT :) He makes me smile and laugh with his silly jokes.

This is bad what I am going to say but.. I have to..
Gabriel was missbehaving and Nick told him that IF HE DOES not listen to him, he will talk to His teacher about it.... Gabriels respnse...--- I WILL TELL THE WHOLE WORLD THAT YOU KISSED MOMMY!!!!!! lol. I think it is the cutest thing ever :)

AGAIN, I want to thank you for checking on us, helping me with Gabriel, listening and just nodding instead of suggesting something that MIGHT work....
. I am thankful for you all. I am thankful that you have been so patient with me and with my crap.:)
Let me know once in a while how you are doing :)

This week has been pretty calm week. I take Gabriel to school every morning around 7.30 ( drop off), and then take a walk with my friend. School is about 15 minute walk from us. Then every afternoon around 2. 05 Gabriel and his friend have been walking home from school. AND this is first year they do so. OF COURSE, I am overprotective parent, so I will walk to school , and then I will walk home with them, ( or to gate, we live in gated community), and then Gabriels friends mom picks him up from there). Funny thing is , Gabriel and his friend TALK A LOT about things that make no sense to me.. lol. They talk about snails and snail poop,dead worms , and some other stuff I need translater for. BUT, I am glad THEY have something to talk about they both understand.:)

Nick lef about 5 days after Reginas memorial service. ...Finally, on tuesday he will be home. Gabriel is not so excited, since HE has to start playing more piano. We play every day 20 minutes anyway, but I am not pushing him AS hard NICK does. .
Also, I am not sure where WE are. I am ot going to tell u much more, but when I have answers to my questions I will let u know. .

:) Missing my Regina.

( 7.30 AM)

a
Today's thoughts...
I wish medical bills just disappeared .

I wish I find strength to deal with upcoming holidays. Luckily we have thanksgiving plans so I don't really have to cook this year, but I WILL MISS baking Apple pie with Regina and her decorating it with shapes she cuts out with cookie cutter.

I wish Gabriel would stop behaving like I am the worst mom ever.. ( throwing hour long fits and not obeying my rules.)

I want people STOP TELLING ME THAT REGINA IS IN BETTER PLACE. AND I should not place Regina on higher position than God is. STOP IT!!!


We did have great Halloween:) I was handing out candy and Gabriel was Trick or Treating.

We Miss You , REGINA:)
( Halloween 2008)

I am not going to talk about my previous posts comments.. NOT TODAY...

Instead--- I DID IT. I can finally VOTE and serve Jury Duty :):):) I am an American Citizen.. ME and other 2000 people who were sitting there in one room with me.
My Friend Beth was with me... When we arrived in Pomona, people were already lined up. FInally, around 11.45 they started letting us in. First thing I had to do was give away MY GREEN CARD:( and we were handed tiny AMerican flag. Then we proceeded to ceremony room. Got seated. I set on third row. Up close and personal with Judge ;)
Gabriel and Beth had to stay behind and sit in visitors area.
Of course we had to repeat blablalbalba, , few things, then watch 2 wideos-- ONE Obamas Congrats to us, and the other video was America the Beautiful . And that was it..

During Ceremony something happened. WHile gabriel was standing up during the Pledge of allegiance, he put down his Ds( WELL, It was Reginas, and we were supposed to put it into her urn after we got home).. He put down his DS, while he said his Pledge, PEOPLE from behind took HIS DS and ran away.... :(:(:( I would not care much about DS, but since it had sentimental value to me, I felt very angry towards those cowards who would dare to steal from 8 year old boy during PLEDGE and JUDGE present ... Whoever did it , had no remorse. ( I hope I used this word right)..
Anyway, After I left the room, I had to pick up my Certificate from table 24 and , we headed home. TOmorrow I will go to costco to get my passport photos done and then go to Post office to apply for a passport..

I am soooo tired today. And sad .. I wore Reginas button to Naturalization ceremony....

I hate those sweet , cute, loving flashbacks I have about Regina and I. If these were these flashback that I could change , I would not hate much... But still ,..

I can't forget my last serious conversation with Regina. I told her to LET GO so many times. WAY TO MANY times, and she just smiled... But this time, I had more serious conversation with her, because I COULD SEE her struggle, I could see her pain... But she did not listen. Must be something we all girls have in common..

I remember her listening my advice. I remember her eyes smiling for a second when I was telling her about Angels and her real brothers/sisters waiting for her in heaven. I remember telling her about life she always wanted and about her dreams coming true..after ..

She did smile for few seconds,and then suddenly dark sadness took over.
I think I WILL NEVER EVER forget that sad look. Her eyes sunk, her smile left her and sparkle that he had seconds ago was suddenly gone.... She did not look at me, but she said words that I wish she did not say to me.... " Mommy, I don't want to die..."
I tried to keep it together , but I could not. Since she was my child, it was my job to grant all of her wishes, and I was so guilty I could not grant this one.. I know she lives in our hearts forever. BUT I know she did not mean THAT..

ANd I do remember her telling me I LOVE YOU LAST TIME... She had not said anything for few days and when I told her I LOVE YOU, she said it back... My husband was in his office, and heard it also... and that was last time she spoke... 2 days before she passed away.....

I know I will start repeating these last memories many times with you, but these are my last favorite memories with her.
I Miss her very , very much.. Every day is a challenge ...

Busy Weekend...

Again, Thanks for letting us know you are here, and reading my blog once in a while :)  I know lot of you do not like to comment, and prefer to write me emails. I am so, sooo Sorry if i do not email you on timely manner. I really am. if you feel like I missed you somehow  email me or  text me again. Mostl likely my  brain just gave up,.... so so sorry again.

I have few thank you notes on my countertop.. waiting tro be sent out.. Maye one day with date October first on them. .. If you hae done something good for us,  gifts, notes, cards, hugs, calls, texts, emails, dirty looks ;), hehe.. THANKS:) Maybe one day , I will be able to catch up.:)

Now back to our weekend.. whewww. it really was one busy weeked.  Gabriels friend was over here for a sleepover... THAT WAS NICE... I DID NOT have to play wii with him.... lol.. on  Saturday we went to our friends  house in Placentia   for a sleepover.  Before that we had Volunteer visitor from Trinity Care hospice.  She came here to talk abou Regina, collect few of her old clothes   to pass them on to Memory Bear makers , and  in 4-6 weeks we will have Bear made out of Reginas dress or skirt. :)   It was really nice talking to her. ...

Today,.. Sunday, Gabriel and I went to our cross the street Neighbor's house  to have dinner. Well.. they have been in our house couple of times for parties, but never over for "intimate" dinner party. So this time we went over tho their house for one on one dinner.  It was nice. :)  I "hate" people with  PERFECTLY CLEAN HOUSES. I REALLY DO :) lol.Her house is C L E A N  and clutter free...  Love it.. One day I will belike it.  Right now, I have to do it for my kid. Stuff here and there,  .. in a way I feel like I am stimulating my boys mind keeping my house "crazy ". :0...

It is almost 11 PM.. I am about to fall asleep.. but before I go... I need some candy :(

Missin my Princess Regina...