This week has been pretty calm week. I take Gabriel to school every morning around 7.30 ( drop off), and then take a walk with my friend. School is about 15 minute walk from us. Then every afternoon around 2. 05 Gabriel and his friend have been walking home from school. AND this is first year they do so. OF COURSE, I am overprotective parent, so I will walk to school , and then I will walk home with them, ( or to gate, we live in gated community), and then Gabriels friends mom picks him up from there). Funny thing is , Gabriel and his friend TALK A LOT about things that make no sense to me.. lol. They talk about snails and snail poop,dead worms , and some other stuff I need translater for. BUT, I am glad THEY have something to talk about they both understand.:)

Nick lef about 5 days after Reginas memorial service. ...Finally, on tuesday he will be home. Gabriel is not so excited, since HE has to start playing more piano. We play every day 20 minutes anyway, but I am not pushing him AS hard NICK does. .
Also, I am not sure where WE are. I am ot going to tell u much more, but when I have answers to my questions I will let u know. .

:) Missing my Regina.

( 7.30 AM)

a
Today's thoughts...
I wish medical bills just disappeared .

I wish I find strength to deal with upcoming holidays. Luckily we have thanksgiving plans so I don't really have to cook this year, but I WILL MISS baking Apple pie with Regina and her decorating it with shapes she cuts out with cookie cutter.

I wish Gabriel would stop behaving like I am the worst mom ever.. ( throwing hour long fits and not obeying my rules.)

I want people STOP TELLING ME THAT REGINA IS IN BETTER PLACE. AND I should not place Regina on higher position than God is. STOP IT!!!


We did have great Halloween:) I was handing out candy and Gabriel was Trick or Treating.

We Miss You , REGINA:)
( Halloween 2008)

I am not going to talk about my previous posts comments.. NOT TODAY...

Instead--- I DID IT. I can finally VOTE and serve Jury Duty :):):) I am an American Citizen.. ME and other 2000 people who were sitting there in one room with me.
My Friend Beth was with me... When we arrived in Pomona, people were already lined up. FInally, around 11.45 they started letting us in. First thing I had to do was give away MY GREEN CARD:( and we were handed tiny AMerican flag. Then we proceeded to ceremony room. Got seated. I set on third row. Up close and personal with Judge ;)
Gabriel and Beth had to stay behind and sit in visitors area.
Of course we had to repeat blablalbalba, , few things, then watch 2 wideos-- ONE Obamas Congrats to us, and the other video was America the Beautiful . And that was it..

During Ceremony something happened. WHile gabriel was standing up during the Pledge of allegiance, he put down his Ds( WELL, It was Reginas, and we were supposed to put it into her urn after we got home).. He put down his DS, while he said his Pledge, PEOPLE from behind took HIS DS and ran away.... :(:(:( I would not care much about DS, but since it had sentimental value to me, I felt very angry towards those cowards who would dare to steal from 8 year old boy during PLEDGE and JUDGE present ... Whoever did it , had no remorse. ( I hope I used this word right)..
Anyway, After I left the room, I had to pick up my Certificate from table 24 and , we headed home. TOmorrow I will go to costco to get my passport photos done and then go to Post office to apply for a passport..

I am soooo tired today. And sad .. I wore Reginas button to Naturalization ceremony....

I hate those sweet , cute, loving flashbacks I have about Regina and I. If these were these flashback that I could change , I would not hate much... But still ,..

I can't forget my last serious conversation with Regina. I told her to LET GO so many times. WAY TO MANY times, and she just smiled... But this time, I had more serious conversation with her, because I COULD SEE her struggle, I could see her pain... But she did not listen. Must be something we all girls have in common..

I remember her listening my advice. I remember her eyes smiling for a second when I was telling her about Angels and her real brothers/sisters waiting for her in heaven. I remember telling her about life she always wanted and about her dreams coming true..after ..

She did smile for few seconds,and then suddenly dark sadness took over.
I think I WILL NEVER EVER forget that sad look. Her eyes sunk, her smile left her and sparkle that he had seconds ago was suddenly gone.... She did not look at me, but she said words that I wish she did not say to me.... " Mommy, I don't want to die..."
I tried to keep it together , but I could not. Since she was my child, it was my job to grant all of her wishes, and I was so guilty I could not grant this one.. I know she lives in our hearts forever. BUT I know she did not mean THAT..

ANd I do remember her telling me I LOVE YOU LAST TIME... She had not said anything for few days and when I told her I LOVE YOU, she said it back... My husband was in his office, and heard it also... and that was last time she spoke... 2 days before she passed away.....

I know I will start repeating these last memories many times with you, but these are my last favorite memories with her.
I Miss her very , very much.. Every day is a challenge ...

Busy Weekend...

Again, Thanks for letting us know you are here, and reading my blog once in a while :)  I know lot of you do not like to comment, and prefer to write me emails. I am so, sooo Sorry if i do not email you on timely manner. I really am. if you feel like I missed you somehow  email me or  text me again. Mostl likely my  brain just gave up,.... so so sorry again.

I have few thank you notes on my countertop.. waiting tro be sent out.. Maye one day with date October first on them. .. If you hae done something good for us,  gifts, notes, cards, hugs, calls, texts, emails, dirty looks ;), hehe.. THANKS:) Maybe one day , I will be able to catch up.:)

Now back to our weekend.. whewww. it really was one busy weeked.  Gabriels friend was over here for a sleepover... THAT WAS NICE... I DID NOT have to play wii with him.... lol.. on  Saturday we went to our friends  house in Placentia   for a sleepover.  Before that we had Volunteer visitor from Trinity Care hospice.  She came here to talk abou Regina, collect few of her old clothes   to pass them on to Memory Bear makers , and  in 4-6 weeks we will have Bear made out of Reginas dress or skirt. :)   It was really nice talking to her. ...

Today,.. Sunday, Gabriel and I went to our cross the street Neighbor's house  to have dinner. Well.. they have been in our house couple of times for parties, but never over for "intimate" dinner party. So this time we went over tho their house for one on one dinner.  It was nice. :)  I "hate" people with  PERFECTLY CLEAN HOUSES. I REALLY DO :) lol.Her house is C L E A N  and clutter free...  Love it.. One day I will belike it.  Right now, I have to do it for my kid. Stuff here and there,  .. in a way I feel like I am stimulating my boys mind keeping my house "crazy ". :0...

It is almost 11 PM.. I am about to fall asleep.. but before I go... I need some candy :(

Missin my Princess Regina...

Days...

Every day is different.I had  couple of very emotional days, and couple of very happy days..

I want to start out thanking those who sent us money instead of flowers, :)   Money helped us cover Reginas funeral cost completely and we even paid off some medical  bills. THANK YOU :):):):):)

Now my emotions are just weird. Couple of days ago I got a card for Regina... VERY LATE BIRTHDAY CARD... AHHHH I could not even finish Reading it. It was sent on time, but  most likely it got lost in mail somewhere, and got delivered month late.. :(

I cry every night , sometimes during the day, but mostly before bedtime.. I am great sleeper and have no problem falling asleep right away.  Moments before falling asleep are very hard for me. I used to hold Reginas hand.. and she would always give me couple of squeezes..` I miss those squeezes..

 IF you ask me to do same thing with Gabriel, then -- I AM TELLING you, it will not work. I tried... Gabriel will pull his hand away and mumble something like. lkdj a;sierowie htofha .. Whatever that means..   lol

I also got Reginas  Funeral DVD done by Earl Their website is http://corelann.com/  I strongly recommend them.

.  AHHH. I watched it last night..  They did such an amazing job capturing details during the service, and music, and slideshow..   Just beautiful.

Gabriel is still missing Regina very much. There are days he does not want to do his homework, and argues with me for  an hour or so, and then he could read book couple of times, but seems like his mind is somewhere else. Same with Math.  We constantly talk about Regina and tell him that is ok to miss her and feel sad and cry, and talk about her whenever you want. And he says OK :)

Nick has been travelling for business  and will be back before  few days before Thanksgiving.    I don't know If I want to make Traditional thanksgiving Dinner this year. We have been invited to friends house to Celebrate it with them, so most likely we will do so.. I know NICK will make me cook my Famous turkey to him :) And I will . But not on Thanksgiving day...

Now that REgina is gone I have lot of time in my hands.. RIGHT?? But it does not mean that  I am ready to do something big.  I am not ready to go back to school, I am NOT ready to find a job in "McDonalds"   When TIme is right I will do it, but right now time is not right.

I am not Ready to START A non profit organization. YOu have no idea how many emails I got with suggestions that MAYBE I should do it, . THere are so many great organizations out there that I keep close to my heart, and I rather give them money   than start another  foundation that Promises something...  and then money goes to "bying a  company car", or renting an OFFICE somewhere in residential area. etc...   

Anyway, Yes, I am still bitter at times  but I am getting better.  I will always miss Regina and wherever I go I see her footprints... 

(((HUGS)))